This is Roald Tweet on Rock Island.
No group along the entire Upper Mississippi River keeps a lower profile than the Lutheran Secret Police. There could be a branch office on your block or right next to a McDonald’s, and you would never know it. Even rumors that the national headquarters of the Lutheran Secret Police are in Minneapolis, or Rockford, Illinois, are only rumors. No one knows how they recruit, or how they make their rounds.
A few even doubt their existence, but this is a naive hope. Their results are all too visible. It is the Lutheran Secret Police, you see, who check Lutheran churches unannounced to make sure the safety valve is properly installed on the organ, and that the congregation is not singing hymns too fast or with too much feeling. Fast hymn singing is to Lutherans what dancing is to the Baptists: the first step on a slippery slope that leads to destruction. Fast hymn singing leads to singing less than all six verses, and then to Methodism, or even worse.
This explains why, if you've ever visited a Lutheran service on Sunday, you may have detected a certain coldness. Those people called "greeters" in the bulletin are actually spotters, watching for and wary of strangers who may be spies.
What happens to Lutherans who just cannot sing slowly? Pay attention, and you'll notice some Sunday that their pew is empty. The police have gotten ahold of them and sold them to other denominations.
Seldom do the Lutheran Secret Police have to handle other heresies. Control hymn singing, and you don't have to worry much about doctrine. The pace at which Lutherans sing hymns keeps the devil at a generous distance.
The Lutheran Secret Police do their job well—sometimes too well. They form habits hard to break. I speak from experience. Only and handful of people know that I record these Rock Island Lines at 33 and 1/3 rpm, and that they are played on the radio at 78. That way, I sound almost like a Presbyterian.
Rock Island Lines with Roald Tweet is underwritten by Augustana College, Rock Island, Illinois.
