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How to support someone in grief

Family photos shared by CL Lepley, a Des Moines area resident committed to supporting others through grief.
Photos courtesy of CL Lepley
Family photos shared by CL Lepley, a Des Moines area resident committed to supporting others through grief.

When someone dies, those closest to them not only experience a personal loss, but they can become isolated in grief.

Though many people want to avoid thinking about death, Lynette Jordan, a grief counselor and licensed social worker at Cedar Valley Hospice, shared tips on how to better support the people grieving in our lives on a recent episode of Talk of Iowa.

Offer specific help

Take the burden off the person overwhelmed by loss by taking action yourself.

“They say things like, ‘Call me if you need anything.’ Well, grieving people don't know what they need, and so they're not going to call,” Jordan said. “So what they end up doing is going home and trying to figure it out on their own.”

CL Lepley, a Des Moines area resident who has grieved several people close to them, has made it their mission to reach out to grieving people in their life with concrete support, such as volunteering to help sort through the deceased’s closet.

Instead of waiting to be asked to help, Lepley takes the initiative of texting the grieving person to say they are going to the grocery store to pick up snacks and any other specific items the individual would like, taking the burden of reaching out and making a list off the person in mourning.

Lepley also makes themselves available to talk through the logistics of death.

“The worst part about the first week is the paperwork, other than actually losing your loved one,” Lepley said. “If you want to feel free to complain about stuff that feels trivial, I'm your guy.”

Sit with them in the pain

In a culture where death is so taboo, well-meaning friends might go about approaching their grieving loved ones the wrong way. Sometimes people feel inclined to force positivity and deflect from the loss.

“What people need to understand is cheering someone up out of a devastating loss isn't possible,” Jordan said. “Sometimes it's okay to just sit with them in their pain. That's what helps.”

She described some clients in grief counseling who have driven 20 miles out of town to avoid running into someone who they feel they have to say “I’m fine” to. She noted that it’s a relief to have a support system that the grieving person doesn’t have to perform for.

Understand the full scope of the loss

Grief is not only an emotional journey, it also has physical symptoms, including loss of appetite, sleep interruption and brain fog. Jordan said clients sometimes think they are going crazy when they experience these things, and having someone to talk to and normalize those experiences is helpful.

It's the grief of the loss of a future. Redefining 'Who am I now if I'm not my husband's wife?' 'Who am I now if I'm no longer a mother to my child?'
Lynette Jordan, a grief counselor and licensed social worker at Cedar Valley Hospice

The death of another person can also cause people close to them — especially the spouse or parent of a deceased person — to feel a loss of their identity.

“It's not only the grief of what's happening right now and the loss of the person,” Jordan said. “It's the grief of the loss of a future. Redefining 'Who am I now if I'm not my husband's wife?' 'Who am I now if I'm no longer a mother to my child?'”

Beyond sadness, grief can mean anxiety about the future.

Disregard the timeline

You've probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, many people don’t know that Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed these stages to reflect how terminally ill patients come to understand their own eminent mortality.

Jordan said these five stages have been applied too widely to all people going through grief.

“What it implies is that grief is linear, that we started at the beginning, and then there's somehow a finish line to it,” she said.

In reality, grief and the varying emotions that come with it don’t happen in a neat order. People can continue to have strong reactions years after a death.

Brianna Wills, a mother from Iowa City whose son Calder died of lymphoma in 2017, described feeling like her time to mourn in a culturally accepted way had an expiration date.

“You kind of intuitively know this and understand this,” Wills said. “When you start to say something about your son, and someone gives you kind of the side eye like, ‘Oh, my God, she's not just about to talk about her dead son.’ You can clearly feel like people feel uncomfortable with you talking about something like that.”

Jordan said she tells her clients that they will grieve for as long as the person they love is dead.

"I know that sounds kind of abrasive, but it's true,” she said. “We will always grieve that person because the love doesn't die. That relationship doesn't really ever end just because they're gone.”

To hear this conversation, listen to Talk of Iowa, hosted by Charity NebbeDani Gehr produced this episode.

Natalie Dunlap is an award-winning digital producer and writer for Iowa Public Radio. She holds a bachelor's degree from the University of Iowa. Since 2024, Dunlap has worked with IPR's talk team to bring news and features to IPR's digital audience.
Dani Gehr is a talk show producer for Iowa Public Radio. She holds a bachelor's degree from Iowa State University. Since 2022, Gehr has worked with IPR's talk team to bring news and features to IPR's listening audience.
Charity Nebbe is IPR's 'Talk of Iowa' host. She also hosts IPR's podcasts 'Garden Variety' and 'Unsettled'. Since 2010, Nebbe has interviewed, conversed with, and shared ideas from guests of all backgrounds and locations, and has helped listeners better understand, appreciate, and explore their state and the world around them. Nebbe has a bachelors degree from Iowa State University.